Our Imperfect Departure
The day my daughter and her family left for their new role in missions was the proudest and saddest day of my life. They were traveling to the opposite side of the globe to serve in a third world country—with three children ages four, two, and newborn.
At the airport, I pasted a smile on my face as I kissed the grandchildren and hugged my daughter and son-in-law. I stood watching outside the TSA barrier until they turned a corner and I had the last view of them. I walked slowly to the parking garage and started the four-hour drive home, but after only a few miles I had to pull over and weep.
After all the planning and packing, my daughter and I had left too much unsaid. Perhaps we feared our words would hurt each other. I know I was trying so hard to be this strong, mature Christian mom—or whatever I thought that was supposed to look like. I had deep emotions that I didn’t know how to process.
My daughter and her husband later told us that someone along the way during training had told them that parents were the biggest obstacle to young missionaries going onto the field. That kept them from opening up to us about their fears and concerns. They carried all of that alone. How much stronger we could have been by sharing our feelings, perhaps crying together and praying for one another and reaffirming our love for each other.
My husband and I raised our daughter in a church that supported missions. We often hosted missionaries in our home for fundraising. So in a way, it was natural for our daughter to choose to serve overseas. Yet, when they left, we were still gut-wrenched. I felt guilty for hurting when my daughter and her family were obviously following God’s leading. I came to realize that my emotions weren’t a sign of spiritual immaturity but instead an opportunity and an indication that I needed to draw near to God and let Him teach and heal me.
Learning from our experience, I would offer the following advice for a more healthy departure. For parents who are sending off their missionaries, I would encourage lots of open dialogue in the season leading up to leaving for the field. Be honest about your feelings even if they may be hard for your children to hear. Be careful to maintain a non-manipulative manner. The goal is not to change their mind but rather to get on the same team and be supportive. I would be careful to respect your adult children’s decisions and convey that to them. If you have reservations, you might express that once, but then be quick to listen to their response. Ask how you can pray for them. Work out ways to stay in communication and video chat with the grandchildren.
I certainly had concerns about the third-world environment where my daughter and her husband were taking the young children. What if they got sick? I worried about the lack of car seats where they were going. I had such a long list of concerns caused by my fears. The bottom line was that I had to trust my daughter and her husband and their ability to listen to God. Most importantly, I had to continuously put my faith in God’s ability to protect my missionary family.
If you are the goer, or person leaving for the field, I urge you to be patient with your parents. It may take time for their emotions to catch up as they deal with the loss of being in close contact with you. Let your parents know that they are still important to you and your grandchildren. As unreasonable as it may seem, I felt a sense of rejection and of being unneeded by my daughter and her family. Your parents may feel the same way, and conveying their continued importance in your life will go a long way toward healing the hurts.
Missionaries often mention lack of emotional support or approval from their parents as a major detractor while on the field. If your parents are not believers or do not offer their blessing to your work, it is good to continue giving them love and respect. As kindly as possible, explain your convictions and let them know that serving overseas is something you must do as you follow God’s leading. Perhaps your example and continued love and respect for them will be a catalyst in their life to become believers or go deeper in their faith.
If conversations between parents and those leaving become unhealthy or heated, seeking help from a professional counselor can be a great step to take. I spoke with two counselors and asked their advice before writing this article.
I was reminded that there are certain guidelines to use when having difficult conversations. Often it isn’t what is said but how it is said. Be sure to start statements with “I feel,” showing that you own your emotions, rather than “you always,” which sounds like an accusation. Once the other person feels attacked, they will shut down and likely not hear anything that you have to say.
Keep the goal of the conversation in mind and not your list of frustrations. The goal is to have unity and mutual respect and to become a support to each other while living on different sides of the world. As goers, you need your parents’ support; let them know how important that is to you. As the senders, it helps your adult children to receive your emotional and spiritual blessing after any contentious conversation. I have learned to frequently convey to my children on the field that I am proud of them. They need to hear it every time we talk because they are following God into difficult situations with plenty of criticism coming from other arenas.
We are told in 1 Peter 5:8 that there is an enemy, Satan, who is constantly circling among us, seeking ways to devour believers. May we learn to stand firm, freely giving encouragement and support to help our missionaries serve without the added weight of discord from home.
This blog was written by and generously contributed by Ann Bowman. Ann Bowman is the author of I Never Signed Up for This: One Mother’s Journey to Surrender Her Children to Their Calling. Her author website, NeverSignedUpforThis.com, has an email contact form and links to her articles and podcasts.
